It's The Future. Just Like It Will Be by the time you read this. Only... er, more so. Tilings looked pretty darned good for a time, what with the near-eradication of nuclear weapons, the use of nanotechnology to sort out environmental problems, and the death of the entire cast of'Chef. But the peace and beauty couldn't last, or we wouldn't have a computer game on our hands. (Or if we did, it would be Myst. And it isn't. So it couldn't.)
Suddenly, for no apparent reason I can discern from the press release, waves of nuclear warheads tumbled down from the heavens, turning the planet into a very big two-bar fire - only with radiation and stuff. These were closely followed by "mutagenic" viruses which eat humans and animals, and nanoweapons which eat computer circuitry, electric cables and plastics. Infrastructure collapsed: billions were killed: billions more starved. One or two got very peculiar haircuts. Just a handful of the very rich escaped by taking to their underground shelters with their vast supplies of baked beans and burger bites, and a torch.
On the positive side, you won a fiver on an Instant Lottery card.
But life was tough for anyone left on the surface. Hideous, mutant killer insects. Hideous, mutant killer plants. Hideous, mutant killer people. Only the strong survived, evolving into something... less than human (music).
Beneath the surface, things were looking brighter. Not literally, of course. As much canned food as you could eat, and... well, that's it, actually. So not that much brighter, then. Especially as the baked beans and burger bites proved more popular than anticipated, and are in danger of running out before you can say, "Generations of enforced incest are undermining the health and intelligence of the race, but improving our banjo-playing skills no end."
With the imminent disappearance of the last of their supplies in mind, the people from underground decide to head for the surface for grub. 'The Survivors,' as they liked to call themselves (or 'The Privileged In-bred Twats', as everyone else calls them) hit the surface, and the decendants of those who were too poor to get into the shelters start to hit them. And we have another Command & Conquer-type of game on our hands.
You can take the side of the underground-based upper classes, with their fancy weaponry, high-speed vehicles, powerful front paws (Eh? - Ed.) and incest-induced banjo skills. Or that of the overground-based underclasses, with their primitive weapons, highly-trained giant insects, hairy backs and predilection for raw meat.
Whichever side you opt for, there will be 15 single-player missions for you to embark upon (making 30 altogether). There will also be multi-player options galore, including network support for up to six players and modem support for two-player games. You'll fight it out among the post-apocalyptic ruins of once-great cities (think Birmingham), managing resources and training units. You may even discover hidden deadly technology from long-dead civilisations (tapes of The Thin Blue Line', for example). There'll be an ongoing plot, which will unfold as you play. And the whole thing will be set to a hard-core industrial soundtrack, so you can beat your head against the wall as you play. We'll have a full review next month.
Would you survive a nuclear attack?
That's right, we asked would you survive a nuclear attack? You don't know, do you? Well, we do. If you fall into one of the following categories, you're in with a chance. Just run your stubby finger dumbly down the list below like that moron from the Dixon's advert to find out. If you're not on the list, you're going to die hideously.
Scorpion (the big poisonous tortoise-like animal, not the tank) (You're a bit sketchy on scorpions, aren't you? - Ed.)
Short American actor with large biceps and a tin opener
Cockroach and/or member of Royal Family
Can-do guy, prepared to plunder, kill, mutate into a hideous beast and eat human flesh to survive.
Systems: Windows 9x, Windows 2000 Windows XP, Vista, Win 7, Win 8, Win 10.
Game features: Single game mode
2018-11-02 KKND game added.
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