Mortal Kombat 3

Mortal Kombat does eor teenage boys what Take That do for teenage girls. Both groups of followers do the same things. They both scream with delight whenever they see their heroes. They both stick posters of them up on their walls. They both buy endless streams of related merchandise. They both know their favourite character's life history, and everything else about them too. Furthermore, the aforementioned 'characters' in Mortal Kombat were once real people, who through the wonders of digital camerawork have been transformed into super-athletic electronic sprites - just like Take That.

But that's where the similarities end. For while Take That capture the hearts of pubescent girls nationwide by singing delicate pop platitudes about the bittersweet anguish of adolescent love (and also by baring their arses onstage) the cast of Mortal Kombat win over their fans by the more gruesome method of ripping out each other's ribcages with their bare hands. What a far happier world it would be if the two groups swapped places. We can but dream.

Anyway, as you've probably guessed by now, it's Mortal Kombat time again. It's been out in the arcades for quite a while, but now it's made the inevitable ascension from coin-op to desktop. Yup, it's back, it's pissed off, and it's headed our way... ladies and gentlemen, a big hand for Mortal Kombat 3!

Intestine... one two three

Did I say THREE? Does this mean we should all get rather excited? After all, the original Mortal Kombat was sort of all right, but its sequel was twice as good - a rule that applied equally well to both the coin-op and the pc versions. If the Mortal Kombat quality curve is going to develop an aesthetically pleasing camber, this latest helping should be at least three times as good as the first. Getting a bit mathematical, a sort of Mortal Kombat cubed, as it were.

And cubed is exactly how most of the digitised cast end up - not to mention diced, sliced, peeled, deboned, and left to simmer on maximum heat for 30 minutes, turning occasionally. If you fancy ripping your friends to pieces (and you can do that over a network or modem with this pc version - yippee), then Mortal Kombat's yer man.

Because where would Mortal Kombat be without the gore, eh? It'd look stupid, like an unusually violent episode of Rentaghost. The 'splat factor' which made Mortal Numero Uno so popular and controversial was upped considerably in the second of the series, so logically you would expect this new incarnation to be even more blood-sodden. And you'd be right.

The few of you who are unfamiliar with the Mortal Kombat series will be blissfully unaware of the inclusion of 'fatality' moves. These are extremely complex to perform, requiring the dexterity of a concert pianist, the memory of a Kray super computer, and the timing of a male West German porn star. But when you do manage to actually pull one off (the fatality, not the porn star) you'll damn well know it. See the 'Why I Oughta.J' panel to see exactly what I mean.

Still, it isn't all blood and guts... there are other, sillier moves to perform too. Mortal Kombat 2 introduced 'Babality' moves (in which your opponent changes into a baby, of all things, for reasons way beyond the realm of normal human understanding), and 'Friendship' moves (in which instead of killing them, your character does something pleasant to the relieved victim). You'd be just a tad gutted if there wasn't a new one in Mortal Kombat 3, wouldn't you?

Ooh, you beast, you

Well, your gut can rest easy because now there's 'Animality' moves! Hurrah! Remember that mid-'8os action programme - the most preposterous piece of entertainment ever - called Manimal? The one starring Simon McCorkin-something as a bloke in a safari jacket who could turn into animals at will simply by breathing deeply through his nostrils and staring at the back of his hand? Well, performing an Animality move is just like that, except whereas Manimal turns into wildlife with the express purpose of righting wrongs and wussy stuff like that, you'll be turning into bloody great lions and chomping away at your screaming victims just for the sheer sadistic buzz of it. Oh, and there's loads and loads of other secret hooh-hahs hidden away in the game - and the arcade die-hards out there can breathe a sigh of relief because they've all made it to the pc version as well. But what about the quality of the overall conversion? Is it going to be enough to make you finally give in and actually buy that pc gamepad you keep promising yourself? Wellll... the evidence so far looks promising; it runs at the same speed as the original, it's got a network option, and since each fighter is loaded straight into ram there shouldn't be any 'grinding hard drive' misery during play. So how does it play?

Hr... If you'll excuse me for a moment, I'm just going to open up my special reviewers textfile, jam-packed with handy generic sentences for use in a tricky situation like this. Ah, here we are, under the heading 'For Use in Previews'. You don't mind if I just paste this in verbatim do you? My wrists ache.

"Well, as you can see from the screenshots, (insert title of game) certainly looks the business, but to find out whether it truly lives up to everyone's expectations, you'll have to wait until we review the finished version in an upcoming issue."

Now get! G'wan, get! And don't you dare come back 'til next time!

An Awfui. Thought Popped Into my head while playing Mortal Kombat 3 on the office pc. Okay, you know how the 'plot' of the Mortal Kombat series revolves around the concept of these legendary fighting tournaments, where infamous warriors, both dead and alive, take part in a no-holds-barred fight to the death? Well, it stands to reason that these tournaments are pretty well arranged and organised, doesn't it? I mean, you'd hire people specifically to do certain things, wouldn't you? You'd have a board of referees with a wealth of fighting experience, who could judge each encounter (and cheer whenever someone's head flew off). You'd have sponsors, and a televised coverage deal with a major network. You'd have a PR bloke who'd walk around in a crassly fashionable suit clutching a mobile phone, being such a smarmy wanker that you wanted to smash his insincere little face in after ten minutes. Then finally, right down at the bottom of the scale, you'd have... the cleaner.

Yup. the cleaner. Because some poor bastard's got to clean all that mess up. So there he is. Let's call him Shane. There's Shane, down on his hands and knees, trying to get a grip on that slippery pile of intestines that's curled up on the floor against that table. He's already picked up five ribcages this morning - one of which still had a set of lungs inside - and he knows once he's got rid of the intestines, he's still got to mop the floor (again), swab down the walls, pick the discarded teeth out of the carpet, and have all the curtains dry-cleaned. What an appalling job. Not that you should give a toss about any of that. I suppose I'd better tell you if the game's any good or not.

Frantic fisting action

Things look good from the off on this one. There's an abundance of large, nimble sprites (in the form of digitised actors and actresses), neat background effects, a CD-quality soundtrack (er, which is streamed in from the. er... cd). and extremely responsive controls. The whole thing looks, feels, and plays just like the arcade original, right down to the special cheats and codes and things. Sleek, that's what it is - sleek. Oh yeah, and by the way. it's slightly faster than the PlayStation version. That'll knock the smiles off their faces, right? What's that? Oh yeah, they've got Tekken, haven't they? Poo.

Anyway. Grab a friend and a couple of joypads. and the fun starts right there and then. You'll be leaping, ducking, punching, kicking, and committing other serious assaults upon each other's person in no time. Learning how to eat one another's liver, however, may take a little longer. Mortal Kombat 3 has an inexhaustible array of special moves, which come in all shapes and sizes.

Now, you're used to seeing beat 'em up characters shooting 'fireballs' at each other during a fight - but would you believe homing missiles? A few flicks of the joypad, and 'tis done. Apart from increasingly ludicrous 'projectile' moves such as that, there's also a veritable arseload of things to discover: multi-hit combos, bone-crunching throws... and of course, the Mortal Kombat speciality -the finishing move (see panel). It's a laugh and a half, make no mistake - instantly playable and highly addictive - but it does feel a little outdated. This is partly due to the fact it's taken a while to make the arcade-to-homc transition, but mainly because of what I rather pompously call the 'Ariel Effect'.

The Ariel Effect

To witness the Ariel Effect in action, all you have to do is switch on the television and wait about 13 seconds. Boom - an advert for washing powder (for argument's sake, let's say it's Ariel, okay). Ooh, what's this - it's improved Ariel. Last week they were going on about the new fat digesters in it (quick! Buy a box for Russell Grant), now they're harping on about the 'bluey whiteness', or the colour-protectors, or the bio-nuclear anti-bobbling thermoenzymes or whatever. It's a new trend, a new fad; within a week every other two-bit soap powder in town is going to be jam-packed full of whatever it is that new improved Ariel's got.

And it's the same thing with beat 'em ups. When Mortal Kombat 3 first appeared, the trend was 'combos', a totally mind-boggling flurry of moves which can be executed by skilful players in the blink of an eye. But right now, the trend lies firmly with texture-mapped, 3D polygon fighters with realistically violent special moves. As a result, playing Mortal Kombat 3 isn't as completely satisfying as it could be -you know there's something better just around the corner.

In the meantime, however, this is the best two-dimensional beat 'em up you'll find anywhere right now. Make damn sure you enjoy it while it lasts.