Planet of the Apes

We first told you about Planet of the Apes way back in issue 79, when there were rumours of an Arnold Schwarzenegger remake to be directed by James Cameron doing the rounds on the Net. More than two years later, it's finally landed on our desks. And, quite frankly, we almost wish it hadn't.

"You Maniacs! You Blew It Up!"

In sharp contrast to Tim Burton's big budget (if misguided) sequel, this game is a Tomb Raider clone stripped down to the bare minimum, combining the same sort of lame key-finding puzzles -with an occasional proper brainteaser - and repetitive monkey-bashing. The story is pretty straightforward and takes its cue from the Charlton Heston movie with a spaceship crashing on a planet only to find apes as the ruling species and humans as yahoo-like slaves. Your first job is to get out of a distressingly brown prison dressed like Tarzan, find help and beat up any chimp that stands in your way.

Planet Of The Apes was originally being developed for the Dreamcast and PSone as well as the PC, and those roots are all too obvious. In a time when console means PlayStation 2 and Xbox, Planet Of The Apes sports some rather primitive graphics, completely devoid of detail. We can live without mouse support, but your character is so unresponsive you really begin to question whether they spent any time at all refining the controls.

Not Much Monkey Magic

You also have to put up with all the usual camera problems these sorts of games had three years ago, and you can only save at the end of a level. It's even more frustrating thanks to the random nature of the combat, which consists of a lacklustre exchange of blows requiring no skill other than knowing what button to press. A monkey could do it. It's not as though this is the first time the classic original film has been spoiled and messed about with. Countless sequels -each worse than the last - a dreadful TV series and an even worse cartoon have already done that. And let's not forget Burton's latest howler. Like the recent Evil Dead gam, though, it makes you angry that such a good opportunity has been so wasted. Playing this you'll know how Heston felt when he found the Statue of Liberty sunk in that beach.