Ashes to Ashes

Or 'Ashes To Ashayyyyssss!!!!', As The in-game theme song would have it (yes, it's got its own song, and bloody terrible it is too - the sort of big-haired power pop-rock that used to poison the airwaves throughout the mid-80s, until the United Nations voted to ban its production and/or use).

It's a particularly sorry-arsed Doom! Quake-style shoot 'em up which makes the least of a not-bad 3D engine to produce a very poor game indeed. The idea is this: you enter a kind of outdoor arena, flail around for a bit, shoot a few enemies (who seem to start running away when you get too close), destroy a set quota of 'evil brains', and then progress to an ostensibly identical level to do it all over again. Occasionally you get to ride around on a little cyberpunk golf cart, presumably for comic relief.

Let me tell you what I really think of this game. If I were a Computer Studies teacher, and a group of remedial eight-year-old children submitted this for their end-of-term project, I'd thrash the fools to within an inch of their tiny lives.