I've just had an idea for two new TV shows. One's called 'Ready, Steady, Cock'. Two male celebrities walk on stage, and at the behest of Fern Britten, take out their penises. Two people from the audience will then, using only appliances, materials and foodstuffs found in the average kitchen, have half an hour to make as good a facsimile of the celebrities' appendages as possible. The audience will be allowed to bring a few basic foodstuffs with them, of course - but no sausages.
The second one's called 'Seeing Stars On Sunday'. This one is for anyone with an interest in all-in wrestling or praying. Two devoutly religious people will go mano-a-mano each week, over five rounds, dressed in the costumes of their god: long white beards, smocks with thunderbolt piping, whatever. (Zoroastrians can come as they are.) Two pin-falls or a submission: no biting, gouging, extra arms, use of sharpened religious artefacts or crucifixion. At the end of a round robin tournament, we'd finally know who the one true god is.
Which leads us into Wargods(well, sort of), the latest pc conversion of the classic arcade beat 'em up from Midway. The idea's very simple, and similar to the aforementioned TV show, except that instead of devotees of the various gods fighting, it's the gods themselves. Which is a bit of an odd idea, when you think about it. Why would gods bother fighting? Surely they'd sit around turning each other into Kentucky Fried Chicken portions, or Camilla Parker-Bowles' tampons, or whatever, just by thinking about it, rather than waste time jumping about in tights, slapping and kicking like mere humans?
Slip me some skin
Anyway, look around the page and you'll see them all, ready to have at it. You may not recognise your favourites, but that's modern times for you. They come in the usual range of beat 'em up sizes and colours, with overly-muscled freaky men types and the usual token overly-bosomed freaky women types. But here the characters look more realistic than anything we've yet seen in a beat 'em up on the pc, thanks to a new "digital skin technology". Instead of polygonal figures who look like an artful arrangement of Cornflakes packets and toilet-roll tubes, we have proper-looking people with properlooking skin, complete with unsightly shaving rashes and huge hairy legs. And the men are even worse...
Like a circle in a spiral...
All the grunting and unpleasantness takes place in a true 3D environment, with photo-realistic background graphics. There are loads (and loads) of moves, combos and special moves to learn, perform and forget at crucial moments. Most of the characters have some really nasty cutting and/or bludgeoning weapons, which they seem to keep stuffed down their tights until they need them, as they're nowhere to be seen at the start. And, thanks to the provision of a 3D button, there are special '3D moves', which allow you to leap about the arena like The Young Generation with power cables clipped onto their anal hair.
All this graphical splendour means you're about as likely to be able to play it on a 486 as you are of having a three-in-a-bed romp with the Queen Mother and Barbara Cartland. And even if you did, it would be about as enjoyable. We're talking Pentium-and-up-territory, here. We're also talking serious numbers of controller buttons. So it's lucky you memorised our gamepad round-up last month, isn't it?...
In the good old days of classical education, the god of war would have been called Mars, or Kit-Kat, or something. Warhead fires nuclear missiles from under his armpits. Not the recommended way to combat 'problem sweat' - and hardly the accepted approach to unarmed combat, either.
The goddess of people who like to keep their bottom area exceptionally clean, Pagan wea minute G-string without fear of sullying it. She's also the goddess of teenagers who like to masturbate to computer games, and the patron saint of women who don't know when to stop with the Ladyshave.
Kabuki Jo, ex-Samurai warrior, ex-used slipper salesman, is now the god of Charlie Cairoli impersonators and face paint manufacturers. He's entirely responsible for all those little bastards who run about dressed as tigers, getting paint on your best trousers at parties.
The goddess of portly women who like to lie around in their underwear eating chocolate and crisps, Vallah has thighs the size of Germany. She also has a gigantic sword, which she whips out now and then to trim her nasal hair. And nobody knows where she keeps it.
The god of people who shop in High & Mighty and are really good at darts, Maximus is also blessed with a really shiny helmet and a gorgeous special weapon.
Anubis is an ex-pharmacist turned god of people who suffer from chronic haemorrhoids and treat them with biscuits. Either that or he's an ex-Egyptian grave robber who was transformed into a god by coming into contact with a semi-mystical orb. Which d'you think sounds more likely?
The god of people who Ar fit carpets as a hobby rather than as a living (otherwise he'd be called Tape Really Badly), Tak is an exprimitive idol made entirely of stone, his joints held together by old bits of chewing gum left by tourists. Unfortunately, he has no genitals.
Cy-5 is the god of vacuum cleaners made flesh. He whirrs and clanks so much when he moves you'd think that he was the god of hip-replacement patients. In moments of danger, he belabours foes with a food processor.
Ahau Kin is the god of people who have really bad colds. He used to be the god of people who like to walk around in skirts wearing big furry hats, but nobody ever turned up, so he changed his mind.
Processor: PC compatible,
OS: Windows 9x, Windows 2000 Windows XP, Vista, Win 7, Win 8, Win 10.
Game Features:Single game mode
War Gods Screenshots
- Dead or Alive
- Fighters Megamix
- FX Fighter
- Marvel vs Capcom 2
- Street Fighter 3
- Street Fighter Alpha
- Street Fighter Zero 3
- Tekken Tag Tournament
- Virtua Fighter
- Virtua Fighter 2
- Virtua Fighter Remix